Letter 1, comment below.

Posted: 25th April 2007 by onyxhawke in Uncategorized

I’m sorry to say I have to pass on your novel right now. It needs a certain amount more polish. There is to much tell and not enough show. To be perfectly honest the prologue should be scrapped and redone from scratch. You need to work on your dialogue a bit and make it more flowing, try analyzing some of Heyer or Bujold or Twain’s conversations. Good start, the world looks rich and like it will reward the reader, unfortunately it’s not quite there, to paraphrase Mark Twain: your book has many almost right words. Good luck, and it’d be nice to see where you can take this story from here.


I try to do two things with each nearly publishable story; a) say why it doesn’t make the cut, and b) if i have an idea, how to fix it.

And in truth, i hate prologues, deeply madly passionately, for the most part.

  • I think that sometimes a prologue is a necessary evil.

  • nodding…except I think too many people have too much Heyer interlarding their dialog and style, when it comes to certain types of fantasy.
    But hoo yeah on Twain and Bujold.