Cover letter mania!

Posted: 14th July 2008 by onyxhawke in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Ok. Do your wost. I mean best, whatever. Write me a plausible, but hideous cover letter. The contest runs from right now, until 1am et Wednesday 7/16.

Winner will be announced as soon as i make my decision.

  • dear ms kobingo onyxhawk,
    a man, a woman and a parcel thats so hot that you have to pass it on but they just end up passing it back and forewaRD TO EACH OTHERF. this is the premice of my historicel literary romnctic novel set in the past before lincoln and all those doogodders forced the southern states to seceed. the parcel in my novel is a leather briefcase contains explosive correspondance between lincoln and john brown and hariet tubman and frederick douglas about how they plan to sucker the northern states into a war they don't want just like how bush suckered us all into iraq. this parcel is and email and contains my novel. don't be like the characters and pass it bacj, pass it on to a publisher. there parcel is about 20 pages of letters and 5000 words, this novel is 200 pages and ireckon its 100 thousand words but billgates's word says its81573 words which has to be a lye and is because the program doesnt count the words it thinks are spellt wrong.
    plus of course it dont count the 5000 words of the letters what I've put in as jpeg illustrations at the front. i made it into a pdf file because the rft one didnt keep the letters, hope you dont mind and i ziped it up to save space
    i r reddneque

  • Dear Agent or Editor:
    I am writing to interest you in my great science fiction trilogy, PLANET OF THE FISH. My writing teacher thinks I have a great imagination.
    I'm enclosing the first 500 pages of book one, in which the amazing story begins to unfold. I’m in the middle of book two now but I already know how book 3 will end. Lots of writers don't know anything about what they write about, but I've been an avid fisherman for years, so I thought this was a natural subject for a trilogy. Of course, my fish live on another planet and fight evil monsters, so it's much more exiting that way. People will be amazed when they read it.
    I've written lots of other stories and will be happy to show those to you too once the trilogy comes out. I've taken lots of classes to learn how to write. Writing is my passion and I'm looking forward to seeing my books in print.
    Please call me as soon as you get this so I know it got there. I really look forward to working together. Of course, if you want something changed in the trilogy I'll be glad to think about it. I'm flexible. If you don't have time to look at it, I hope you will send it to another agent or editor that might like it.
    Call me write away.
    Joe Fishbach
    P.S. Isn't that a cool name for a guy writing about fish? Just think how cool it will look on the book cover!
    "In the beginning, there was water. Then the Lord Zerkon said, "Let there be fish!""

  • Dear Mrs. Cobungo and Mr. O. Haewk:
    Woe is Me is going to be the next great book. Trust me, I know. It's compelling and my mother says the best thing she's ever read. I will warn you tho that the plot is so complex that you won't be able to figure it out until the end of the book. Isn't that great?
    WiM explains not only what the human condition really is but why. Set in the future five thousand years from now, it's a mixture of Tolkien, David Webber and Dan Brown. Cool, huh? What more could you want but elves, exploding spaceships and religious conspiracy theories and truths?
    Follow Chuck the Clerk and his elf-lover Willow as they cross the stars in search of the most elusive of holy grails — the Prada Shoe Tree and the wisdom of fashion it imparts.
    I'm offering you first crack at this masterpiece before I ship it off to other agents. Three days should be more than long enough for you to realize what a find this is. You can read a sample and see the artwork my little brother Shemp has down to accompany it at the following website: http://www.imafool.con or the companion site, <a href="” target=”_blank”>
    Mom said she'd send you her homemade liver and grits cookies if you agree to represent me. I promise, you'll never forget my book or the cookies.
    Your time starts now,
    Con Mann

    • PS: I forgot to add that WiM comes in at just over 300,000 words. Just a little book, you see. However, I'll be glad to expand it as much as you feel necessary to cover this wonderfully complex plot.

  • In which I SUBMIT AGAIN! For Double Bonus Clueless!
    Dear Ms. Hawke,
    I am twenty-seven years old and I have always wanted to write a book. Now that I have disvoverd your wonderful blog, I have been inspired. I have the outlines for a five book trilogy, spanning twohundred years of a star-spanning empire's death throws, from the last True Queen to her illegitimate grandson who will lead his people from the ashes of their former empire to a new world and civilization, with the help of energy beings who make stargates.
    I think this will be the breakout hit of 2010, and hope to find an agent who will get good movie deals. Please respond soon.
    Love, New Steffan King, Esquire.

  • Dear Mr. Jennifer Jakson,
    i have this awesome idea for a kid's book. i sent you the whole thing even if it isn't done yet. Kids–and kids at heart–are going to love it. My dog Squeaky inspired this story. He (not Squeaky, the dog in the story) gets adopted by a kid named Jimmy that doesn't want a dog and Jimmy keeps getting in trouble and the dog, which is a very pretty collie (Squeaky's not, Squeaky is a chiwawa) saves the kid from all kinds of trouble. Jimmy falls into a well (this takes place out in the country because i think kids should understand nature more) and the dog, whose name is Laddie, goes for help. It's all real exciting and Laddie almost dies. Jimmy loves him a lot after that and everyone is happy.
    i'll be sure to finish the book once you sell it. i think i should get at least half a million for it, because all those celebrity kids books are crap and they make lots of money anyway. Mine is better than all of them so I should get lots of money.
    And my father's second cousin's niece Flora said she would do the pictures. She's a wonderful artist for being a second grader. She won first place in an art contest. i included some of her drawings for you to see. There's also a pic of Squeaky wearing the tutu I bought for him. Isn't he cute?
    And since Carlsbad, where I live, is known for its strawberries, i sent you some because i know we're going to be best friends from now on. i hope the padded envelope kept them from getting too squished. And i wrote this on matching strawberry stationery too, isn't it neat? My mom bought it for me when she went to the flea market because i loved Strawberry Shortcake when i was a girl.
    And i'm only sending this because my ex's ex told me i had to have an agent to sell a book. i don't know why. but he said so so here's my book. Thanks for helping me sell it and when you send the contract i'm going to have my divorce lawyer look it over because he's good with legal stuff and i wouldn't want to get cheated.
    And i'm warning you now, if you tell me no i'm going to send Squeaky to you via FedEx and he's going to rip your office to shreds to teach you a lesson. And that's after i put a curse on you. i watched Bedknobs and Broomsticks a lot and i learned all kinds of spells from it so you better watch out or i'll turn you into a rabbit.
    Have a nice day.
    Wanna B. Riter

  • Dear AGENT:
    My book is titled GUPPY OF DEATH but it's not a children's book. Everyone thinks it is when I say the title, but it's not. It's meant to mislead. It's horror. I see this as the next big book like Da Vinci Code or Stephen King, but it involves terror where people never expect it – fish tanks! So many people have them, and fish just look cute and innocent. Not so. They are not really fish at all. It's just a new plot by those muslim bastards at Al Aquada to kill honest Americans.
    I haven't finished writing the book yet, but I'm at 30,000 words and almost done. I've attached the Word doc and some jpegs of some cover images. You may want to get a different cover when you sell the European rights so people don't go all jihad because of a goldfish in a burqa. People are weird like that. LOL
    Since God told me to write this book, I know you'll want to be a part of the big divine plan. I'm going to be in NYC next week to visit my ex and the kids, and I'll drop by and see you so we can sign paperwork and have lunch. I'm told I look like Goldie Hawn, so you'll know me when you see me! I'll even buy you lunch (if it doesn't cost too much!). 🙂
    Angela Walton
    P.S. I have some highly rated Harry Potter fanfics online so I've published before. Let me know and I'll send you links, but just know that some of it gets a little kinky! ~_^

  • Because why not?
    Dear Agent:
    I've written a really great book that I really hope you'll take a look at. I know you said that you want it as an attachment, but I couldn't get that to work in my e-mail, and I figured it would be just as easy to scroll down (even if the formatting is kind of weird, I couldn't get it to work. It's right in the document though!). Anyway, what's one little scroll down – so easy, you might as well read it and skip the letter! ;P
    Haha, but seriously now, it's a great book. I've had several of my friends read and edit it, so it's free of all that stupid spelling and grammatical error you see in cheap-o books these days. The basic idea is that a boy finds out that he's got magic and goes off to a school to train, having all sorts of adventures.
    I know, it's sounds like harry potter, but wait a second and just bear with me. See, the twist is that he wakes up at the end of the book and it was all a dream! Well, that or he was dead the whole time – I can't decide. But don't think I haven't written the whole book, really I'm just missing the last five pages or so, you know, the epilogue.
    I know you'll like it, and I'm betting that I could beat out JK Rowling – I'll even give you a bigger part of the cut if you sell it!! Oh, and I spell checked this letter just to make sure you didn't get some piece of crap thingy. You deserve better than that, right?
    Anyway, here's my info:
    John Smith
    1111 1st street
    Nowhere's ville, NW
    and my number is 333-333-3333, but don't call after ten o'clock or my mom gets annoyed. Then again, if you just can't stand how amazing the book is, you can call any time!
    Hope to hear from you soon,
    J. Smith.
    -awesome incarnate.

  • my letter
    Deer Sir or Madman:
    I am submarine the enrobed storey for you're magazine. I think you will fine that it is the bets storey that I half ridden four you so far. It is about a spays cowboy that has to protect his interstellar wrench from privates and a hoarse thief.
    I no that you said the spelling in my last storey needed to be fixed so I infested in a spell checker. It was heart to make it work in Nose Pad but a fiend of mine helped me with it. Thank you four the advice. It makes the storey riding so much batter.
    I was a byte upset that you cent my last storey back all shredded up. I donut think you should half ridden the resection letter on a paper towel like you did the last 10 thymes, ether. I am Sirius about my riding carrier and think I disservice more respect. I am looking foreward to you finally excepting one of my storeys and giving it the chance to be red by the pubic.
    Yrs faithful Lee
    Teddy Robberts

  • Hey man,
    You aint never gonna believe what I done! I got me your next book to go nucular like the Rawlings chick! I aint gonna bore you with the deetails since I know you dont roll that way but your gonna want it. Trust me. Dont no how you work normly, but this is real special so lets just get the business crap outta the way and we can do the change of prizners later if you catch my drift.
    Way I see it once you got a book they give you a crapload of cheddar right? So I figger you need to call up them boys that done the movies about the dudes with the rings. Their big right? Thats the kind of big my books gonna be so you need to jump on that quick. Then you call up Oprah and Leno and Letterman and tell them they want me on soon as they can if they want a piece of my gravy train. Cuz its gonna splode like a bomb you feel me? Then you need to pick out a big comic place like Marvel so they can do some of them fancy comics everbuddy calls graph novels or sumpin like that. Im only gonna need about 2-3 million up front for all this cuz they gonna give me a sweet deal like half the take so Ill make it up there. That way their gonna say hey this dudes solid and dont mess around and we dont hafta pay him for like a year until we make the movies so thats all right and their gonna jump at the deal. Anyway thats the plan. You on board or what?
    If you are then get the deals rollin and have them send me the checks so I can IM my book to you. Its all in my head right now but I can type real quick with my blackberry and Ill make sure they got enuff to unnerstand me. If your not with me then your stupid and Ill get rich on someone else.
    Oh yeah your site says you get 15% but I think all your gonna need here is like 5 since theres gonna be so much cash. Ill get that to you as soon as I see those checks. Looking forward to doing some business with you man.
    Billy Bob "Sonny" Clueless, Jr.
    IM: sonnybgold

  • Anonymous

    I've chosen YOU!
    Dear Mr. Hawke,
    I am delighted to announce that I have picked your agency to represent my definitive opus on the human condition.
    Tired of finding on the bookstore shelves only such sops to the plebeian taste of the masses as Harry Potter or Stephen King or their ilk, I decided it was time for a real mind to engage in a literary endeavor, to improve the discourse of our times and set the tone of written expression for the twenty first century. I have refused to read any other books for the last thirty years, in order that my expression and taste shall remain untainted by lesser ones.
    My novel, about a Medieval French Literature Professor in a small – but prestigious – college in the East, grapples with such issues as the relevance of literary deconstructionist theory to a woman refined in the sublime crucible of her pause of menses. It also deals with more mundane details of the human existence such as the soul wrenching results of a glass of red wine on a white carpet, the nerve-denuding noise of an out of tune vehicle and the cruel vindictiveness of cross-country phone service.
    From these influences my exquisitely sensitive character arrives at an exegesis that is nothing less than a refinement of heart shattering hermeneutics and which relates, in a single searing sentence the lost glories of the poetry of Langue Doc and the sensibilities of Superman Comics.
    It is written in the past tense except for those parts that are in the present for the sake of preserving dramatic tension, and it mostly makes use of the second person plural and the adjective "pertinent."
    I am sure I need say no more, for doubtless you can already perceive the culture – nay, epoch – making quality of such a work.
    I am attaching the volume, which consists of eighty pages, handwritten – to reflect the craftswoman like nature of this artistic masterpiece.
    Looking forward to your reply,
    Doctor Reverend Ms. W. Arum Nicht
    Phd in Chaos Theory as Applied to the Clotting of Custard, Bilge College 1967, Phd Line Fishing with Special concentration in Small Mouthed Bass, Cutbait college 1968, Phd Divinity and other Desserts, Cull E. Nary College 1969, Phd Women’s Studies, College of L. Ow Held M. Irror 1970, Phd in Clockwork Orange Mechanics Lemon College, 1971
    PS – It should be understood I deposit the highest confidence in your honesty and probity and also that any attempt to violate my copyright shall be prosecuted to the full extent of the law and the imagination of my attorneys.

    • Re: I've chosen YOU!
      Sigh. I authored that pastermiece above. Didn't realize I wasn't signed in!

  • Anonymous

    From Robert Hoyt (Don't have an account yet)
    My Dear Brother,
    To quote my first paragraph:
    “Gren’ph’ahaal ktylldi grebonod. Trygf’lidgo brall halvab, ogron ix kro’no’tchis primbli domret da’bub; mext gortfil trij qior wiweveq xenter. Sadmartvog hilden opiu tylad cram? Fid, ig martu so’lidigam “Hagfre bregjy”, kork lig vart puldo. Spril’a’gny.”
    Now, of course, I would not insult your intelligence by explaining the meaning of this, since no one is so stupid as not to recognize a dialect of the Grelden Elf clan, but before you worry, I changed it to the Fil’gri grammar pattern intentionally, (although of course only the aquatic tribes) in order to make it more contemporary. I also believe it will better illustrate why I would liken you to the carving of the tiny shrimp, because I truly believe that I am your cave dwelling seaweed. I have compiled something that, metaphorically, could be referred to as the modest journey of an elf prince as he travels through sixteen portals in search of inner peace, although the other players of the role playing game on which I based this story all agree that this is not the focus of the novel but a mere footnote among the first 700 pages. Of course, I understand that there are some uncultured slobs who are out of touch with the elvish language, so I have also included a basic 1200 word dictionary and several charts and sketches to help make this accessible to everyone, even the undeserving. But I understand that you are a true J’fligo, and therefore know that you are already prepared to represent a Sryglo such as me immediately, but I feel that out of respect for the elders I must prove I am pure of heart. Unfortunately, because some of the words are obscure to my dialect, and since as you probably don’t know, Grold the Destroyer introduced the wrong version ten years ago (may the eternal maggots of the nineteenth hell make him suffer for it), I must butcher the rite of Y’un Jibtk and translate in English as well.
    Mog’juk’ti’p’lig’op gi – I swear upon the ancestors of all creators
    Traglomen Xet Finb -That I shall live only to create words
    Jilo Bogk Fornor Intri -That I have devoured only a single baby
    Enfalgrab Bordon Strinb -That I have abstained from women
    Varbil Lod Porgorf- But given myself freely to my elf brothers
    Lombojagmat truj fli- And quested without making sin
    Bri’glod flamter Storf- So I therefore grant all that I am
    Ooldopog Tranbo Fei- To he that should approve my creations
    I would like you to know that I must insist my story be provided to the public freely, since the enlightenment I have reached should not be subject to mortal prices; but I think that I can count on you to think about the good that this book can do and work just as hard, even without money as an incentive. When you respond, I’ll gladly mail you the six cardboard boxes containing my novel. Do not worry about the fifty blank pages at the end, I invested them with my K’oldorta so that they would guide the reader to the ending in his(or her, although that’s rare) mind.
    May the love that binds all elves guide our twin fates,
    I give up my words for your approval, J’fligo
    Gorden Trildomogger
    3rd rank Tr’lopgot and Guardian of Fliiges

  • Dear Agent:
    Herewith find my novel MICHELANGELO D.N.A., which is a sequel to Dan Brown's DA VINCI CODE. My writer's group all voted me the best writer of the year, based on this novel. Everyone at work has read this novel, and says it's far superior to DA VINCI CODE. My parents are hard critics of novels, but they both were fascinated and couldn't put it down.
    I'd like to make this business arrangement as professional as possible, so here's my plan: you arrange for an auction. You can pick the publishers, that's your area of expertise, but I want someone with world-wide contacts, so that I will be able to sell the screenplay version to Hollywood. Yes, you got that right! An unexpected plus: I adapted my own novel into a screenplay. I want to direct, and have first say in casting, but I'd rather have Dreamworks or Lucasfilm or Universal do the producers' end of things.
    That means you're getting fifteen percent of the book deal AND fifteen percent of the script deal! I figure this will get to you by Wednesday, so let's say you take two days max to read it, which puts us to Saturday, which I have off. I'll expect your call anywhere between, say, ten, to give me time to wake up and get moving, to fourish, which is when I have plans.
    Your guidelines say to send a synopsis, but you don't need that–you've got the entire novel right there in front of you. Anyway I don't want to type up a synopsis. For one thing, if I make sure to include all the brilliant touches, the synopsis will be as long as the novel! "smiley face" But the other problem is, I just really don't want it lying around and my ideas getting stolen.
    Here are my phone numbers, beginning with home, my cell, my work #s….
    Amblus Grosblaster
    "J.V. Guinness IV"

  • Anonymous

    From Eric Hoyt
    To that of a less important human being,
    I’ve come across the fact I have a large novel stored in the back of my car, as it has been for the past four years, and thought that you might want to praise it for its high level of writing. Since I’m aware you have several other novels to go through before you reach mine, and since I know you’re dieing to get through those novels by such mediocre authors as that of Terry Pratchett and Dave Freer just so you can read my marvelous story, I snuck into your office last night and shredded all other novels but mine. And so you didn’t have to read those silly novels on your computer, I burned your motherboard for you! So now that you have time to read (Or worship) my story I’m sure you’ll be glad to see this letter on your desk telling you about my story, and why half of your desk is dust!
    The main plot focus is on the life of the main character best friend, Dummy. And it tells of the story of the evil sister’s younger brother, Dummy, who happens to have split a personality. And half way through my marvelous novel it is revealed that Dummy, the hero’s friend, and Dummy, the evil sister’s younger brother, are in fact the same person! Then, due to the fact that Dummy is in no way related to his friend, the hero, yet he is the brother of the hero’s evil sister, who is his sister, they are sucked into time paradox black hole at the end of my amazing story! The Sequel is all about how they spend the rest of eternity in a completely vacant space. And I’m sure you’ll love to see the third novel, detailing how they stand around inside the black hole even more.
    You’ll be pleased to know that this novel will make a large amount of money. As, of course, will it’s sequel. So I only feel it is necessary to give you a 1.5% cut of the money that I earn, since I expect to be richer then Bill Gates by the end of the month, and you probably gladly donate your cut in order to work with a man like me anyway. I will, of course, continue stopping other authors from annoying you with their boring drek.
    Someone far more important then you
    AKA, your new God

  • Dear Mr Omike
    I wrote this story, and I thought you would love it. My friends all love it, and my mother thinks it's the best book she's ever read in her life. Also, my writing teacher in the fourth form thinks I'm a really good writer. I can submit her name and phone number to you if you want to ask.
    This story starts out like this: it is about a dwarf who lives in a hole in the ground there lived a dwarfh, not a nasty dirty wet hole filled, with the ends of wirms and nothing in it to sit down on and to eat but it means comfort. It had a round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow knob in the middle. The door opened onto a hall like a tunnel, very comfortable without smoke and pannelled walls and floors tiled carpet. polished chairs lots of pegs for hats and coats. He loved visitors.
    The dwarf gets to fight spiders and dragons and ride an eagle. He lives happily ever after when he saves the princess. I am sure you will love it too.
    Also, I have illustrated it. Here is one of the illustrations:
    [small black blotch with pointy sword fighting large red angry blotch with wings]
    There are many illustrations. My art teacher in high school said I had a special talent. I can also give you her name and info if you want to call her to ask.
    I look forwards to hearing from you!
    [illegible scrawl]