Cover Letter Mania

Posted: 15th July 2008 by onyxhawke in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Come on y’all, you can do better than this!

There’s some that are ok, but at this point I might as well just pick a number out of a hat.

Sheesh, most of you claim you’re writers! Get creative, and subtle!

  • Splendorous
    Dear Mr. K.
    I've posted my multifariously splendid and odoriferous (not to say malodorous) entry in your previous post. You may now close the contest, since mine is the definitive comment on the crucial disparity between the creative impulse and the concretization of such in verbal — or written form.
    PS – I'm NOT off my meds. No one ever prescribed any for me. What do you mean tied up men in white coats in my basement. They're in the attic. I mean, I was never there. And besides, I was led astray by evil influences. J'accuse le Singe! Besides, I have a certificate saying I'm sane. I can show it to you!

    • Re: Splendorous
      Evil influences?
      Kate says she had nothing to do with it, your agent is waaaay to refined, and that narrows it down to you and Amanda. Hmmm….
      And you're just as sane as I am.

      • Re: Splendorous
        Sniffle…why do I get the blame? Wait, if you're just as sane as Sarah is… (slowly backs toward the door, quickly tapping a text message to the men in the white coats to come "visit" both the winged one and Sarah.)
        Besides, Sarah taught me everything I know. If that isn't scary….AND she just taught me that singe is Monkey in French. So I guess that tells us where the real blame lies — with MONKEY!

        • Re: Splendorous
          You only get the blame because I've met you.
          And there is no more innocent creature in the whole earth than Monkey, not even me.
          The men in the white coats know exactly where i am (they implanted a spy satelite in my navel) and won't come within six miles of me.
          I wonder why, they were so nice. A bit naive but nice.

          • Re: Splendorous
            Sigh…and I was on good behavior then. But I swear, I learned it all from Sarah. Truly.

  • Dear Mr Omike
    I last sent you my story three days ago and have not heard from you since. Can you give me a contact number to call you? I just want to make sure everything is going okay.
    Talk to you soon!
    [illegible scrawl]

    • (But seriously…
      … in case anyone thinks I really am a gibbering idiot, I'll have you know that I gibber in more interesting ways than that.)
      (… okay, yes, I always did suck in RPGs.)

  • Anonymous

    Eric Hoyt
    I'm creative! Weird, yes, but also creative! My submission lies near the bottom of the comments list, ready to be read… Ignore mum, she is so far away from the meds they haven’t been prescribed to her yet! 😛 Or, at least, that's what she told me…

    • Re: Eric Hoyt
      Your mother is another one who has "The Cordelia Naismith effect." She's so strange people don't think of applying the rules to her.

  • Hai d00d,
    I haz book! I haz r0xx0r book! It haz ORLY the Owl and Yarly the Hawk and hoverdogs! It haz De Debbil! It haz <s>eks</s> <s>espluh</s> boomz! It haz da BESTEST MARY SUE EVER!
    I can haz <s>pubb</s> <s>poob</s> books on shelvz nao?
    ::glomps and sparklies!::
    Fairy Princess Sailor Hello Moonglow

    • Dear MIkey,
      How R U today? Now that we're acquainted through LJ and we know each other like the best of mates, I'm sending you 'The PIrate' my 4oK comic of Jack the Lad and his three-legged parrot. It's better than the D'vinci Code. No joke! So make sure you've already got film rights and whatnot lined up.
      As for it's about? Hmms, not to sure it *has* a plot but that doesn't matter. With his gold earrings, his head scarf, and his goatee Jack will just wow the females and the profanity from the parrot will have folk rolling in the isles.
      Anyway, mate. DON'T turn this one down. I know you give us all the jibber jabber about fonts and line spacing etc etc, but I wrote this one by hand and colored it in with my kid's crayola. The kids LOVED it and only scribbled on a few of the pages. Luckily they couldn't read the 'F' words. Sorry about the coffee stain on page 6 was I was laughing so hard I knocked me mug over.
      I look forward to your reply tonight. You've got at least four hours to assess and get back to me, and I know you will!
      Ta very much!
      Hopeful in Toronto

      • Dear MIkey,
        Look, mate, I sent this at least TEN minutes ago and you still haven't replied. Give us a break, me kids need shoes for Gawd sake.
        Dear MIkey,
        I hate to say this but it's been an hour and I still haven't heard ANYTHUNG. I'm beginning to wonder if you've got what it takes.
        Dear MIkey,
        It's been four hours now. I have no nails left, the kids are screaming, the wife is yelling and NOTHING in me in-box. Are you a REAL agent or just one of those scammers. I expected MGM on the landline befor enow.
        Dear A**Hole,
        Obviously you don't know talent when you see it. I sen tyou my work SIX hours ago and I've nothing from you. Please send it back to me at once so I can send it to folk in the know.

    • Anonymous

      Dear LOL Mo,
      You can haz bookz. Email me. Ceiling catz told me send you bookz. Also, my brag shelf is about to collapse. Just got box of contrib copies I don't know what to do with. Will find new place for contrib bookz but till thenz willing to share with LOL Moz.

  • Wasn't exactly 'subtle' but never mind. Let's hope it was fairly creative.

  • Dear Mr. Hawke,
    I've written the first book of a multi-volume epic fantasy and would eagerly like to submit it to you. I've read your livejournal and feel you would be perfect to represent my work. The nearly completed first novel comes in at slightly over 500,000 words. I'd like to tell you what my novel is about but first I have attached a legal document for you to sign and return to me guaranteeing my idea will not be stolen while in your agency's possession.
    Here's to a great business future together!
    W. A. Writer
    (Pseudonym (in case this cover letter gets waylaid so as to protect myself not only from literary theft but from identity fraud as well))
    P.S. I have enclosed a return envelope for the legal form. I didn't provide a stamp, as I've always been told a writer never puts out even a penny for his book.

  • Congratulation, Mr. Kabongo!
    You have been chosen to represent the next great vampire novel!
    I have analyzed all the popular vampire novels, and have found that all follow the same formula. Girl attacked by vampires is rescued by the One Good Vampire. Together they fight the evil vampire gang, knocking vampirism back into obscurity. During the climactic battle, the girl will save the Good Vampire's life. All with lots of appeal to female rape fantasies.
    Pretty formulaic, but it works.
    So, I've fit my story into this framework, with, of course, a unique twist.
    My Girl is going to be one of the world's top genetic engineers, and by the end of the book, she has found a cure for vampirism. The climatic scene will come after she has released the anti-vampire viral carriers into the HVAC of the vampire headquarters.
    The vampires, cured, emerge from the building into the sunlight for the first time in centuries. But as they stand in wonder and awe of their newly refound humanity, they begin to fail, to fall to dust, as their age catches up to them. In horror, the girl turns, but where her love, the Good Vampire stood, is nothing but a pile of dust.
    How's _that_ for a visceral ending!
    There won't be a dry eye in the house.
    Most likely one of the big publishers will want this one. Those little SF publishers you mostly deal with like trite happy endings, so just skip them.
    I think the visuals are good, too, should translate well to the big screen, so I've sent a copy to a Hollywood agent for the screen rights.
    If the attachment doesn't work, go here for the free online version.
    If that fails, I can probably find another copy of the Publish America paperback version.
    Petunia Perkins
    Prairie View, Nebraska

  • Anonymous

    Frighteningly close to reality . . .
    Mr. Hawke,
    I am pleased to offer you the opportunity to represent my fantasy series.
    At the moment it's thirty-one titles, Nine of them are of novel length. Six are novella and the rest are short stories.
    I think the best entry point of the series is "Wine of the Gods" at 127K words it is the only "pure" fantasy. The two prequels are both novellas, and could be packaged as a single book, probably about 80K when they are completed. They're more Urban Fantasy sub genre.
    The sequel to "WotG" is a bit sticky. At 50K the story's done. I'm working on how to extend it to novel length. I thought about blending it with the third book (25K) as they overlap in time, but with two separate Bad Guys it just doesn't work. Perhaps they could also be published together as two novellas? They're both Urban Fantasies, the Magician's medieval level World vs. two different high tech invading worlds (one with magic and one without).
    Then "The Comets of Winter" is complete and ready to go at 112K words.
    The next book , "Dark Lady" is a complete rough draft at 87K, that one will be easy enough to get to novel length.
    Then there's six short stories, totaling 53K that span the generational gap before the next part of the series starts with "One Love" A completed rough draft at 67K, "Fort Stag" 13K, "More Spies" 26K, "God of Assassins" 77K, "Archetypes" 86K, "Corridors" 67K, "Managing the Multiverse" 65K.
    Beyond that I have starts and rough outlines for ten more, a couple with over 20K words written.
    Gosh, I suppose this sounds a little confused, but it's a great series, so fun to write I'm having trouble making myself go back and finish, edit and polish the early stories.
    I've attached "Wine of the Gods" and I look forward to hearing from you.
    P. A. Hoff
    (a pseudonym, so the book will be shelved in the first half of the SF section, and initials so the male readers won't be put off by a female writer.)

  • Anonymous

    Mr. Hawke,
    Hey, I forgot to mention, in book six I bring in a really cool talking horse. You're going to love it!

  • Anonymous

    Mr. Hawke,
    Oh, hey, maybe I ought to mention that one thing that really irritates me is fantasies that have the women sleeping all over and never getting pregnant. I mean, don't these authors know where babies come from? It's like the only time childbirth happens is when they think someone's mother ought to die and give their character a life long guilt complex, you know?
    So, mine are different. My witches get pregnant a lot, have perfectly normal pregnancies and childbirth and then have to deal with the babies and toddlers and school, and wild teenagers and all that.

  • Anonymous

    Mr. Hawke,
    Sorry to keep bothering you, but I had a technical question.
    In the second book it is revealed that they don't really do magic. They were genetically engineered to be able to do Telepathy and teleportation and stuff.
    So, is this really a Fantasy? Maybe I should call it Hard SF, like Pern?
    PA (You know, I kinda like the initials)

  • Anonymous

    Mr. Hawke,
    Hey, it wasn't that bad, was it? I mean, you aren't replying, so I thought maybe you hated it.
    I didn't forget to attach it, did I? I'll attach another one to this letter just in case.

  • Anonymous

    Mr. Hawke,
    Would it be better if I just sat on this until I've finished the first prequel? If I spend enough time on World Building it might be novel length. It explains all about the genetic engineering and how come Wolfgang became the God of War.
    I'll attach the first half, that's mostly done, so you can judge.